June 7, 1878: Today is my 14th birthday. That is fourteen years living in a world without a portable and convenient sandwich spread. I am so tired of these ham hocks and turkey chops that just go stale after a long day of travel through the hills. And so today I embark upon on a most precarious journey. I shall turn a solid victual into a smooth and refined liquid spread that can be stored in canister and applied at will.
August 14, 1879: Today I invented a mortar and pestle so I could easily crush and refine the proteins. I crushed horse kidneys and bird stones. I crushed deer antler and fishtail. But alas, nothing became delicious or liquid. Today I am discouraged, but tomorrow is a new day.
March 15, 1880: I have had a most splendid breakthrough: Beans. I am so agitated with excitement, I cannot hold my hands steady. Perhaps they will be the answer to this devilish challenge of portable foods.
September 21, 1880: The answer! I have found it today. I will make the spread out of nuts and oils. But which nut, and which oil? There are so many kinds and so many ways.
October 10, 1880: Ah, this damn'ed Cashew nut. It cracks, but it will not crush. The flavour is lost. Such a beautiful color and aroma, but the texture is all wrong. Course and grainy, it will never do. If there were the runt of nuts, or another pest that did not make a convenient meal to carry, I have found it.
January 1, 1890: I have been rejuvenated in my quest. For today I was told by my bittermost rival that my ambitions have always been made pointless by very fact of the fruit and berry jellies. 'They already will stay preserved,' he touted. 'What is more they are sweet to the tongue.' I am sorry. That was uncouth.
March 13, 1890: I am growing wary of this common and heedless faith in simple carbohydrates. They simply do not provide the necessary nutrition for extended vigor. I will turn my efforts to thicker spreads containing more of the fattier oils. March 14, 1890: The fatty oils disgust me. I am quitting this futile quest once and for all.
Historical Note: George Washington Carver went on to invent the peanut, and then developed over 300 different uses for peanut butter. However, he declined to found a University dedicated to the consumption of simple carbohydrates.